How to talk about your child’s Adverse Childhood Experiences: Five essential tips 

For parents or caregivers navigating this reality, they face many overwhelming questions: How do you help others understand your child’s needs without compromising their privacy? How do you prepare teachers, loved ones and others in your child’s support system to help facilitate their healing journey? 

There is no one-size-fits-all solution for these deeply personal conversations. But, with these five essential tips, you can strategically communicate your child’s needs while ensuring their dignity is respected.  

Why talking about ACES matters 

Childhood trauma doesn’t disappear when the adverse experience ends. Without proper support and treatment, ACEs can negatively influence a child’s health, relationships and future success well into adulthood. 

But when trusted adults understand a child’s ACE history, they can:  

— Provide appropriate accommodations and support while avoiding potential triggers. 

— Recognize changes in child’s behavior as trauma responses, not “bad behavior.” 

— Facilitate continued healing for a child with proven, trauma-informed approaches. 

Five essential tips for sharing your child’s ACE 

1. Be selective. 

Not everyone needs to know about your child’s trauma, but those directly involved in your child’s care absolutely should. 

It’s crucial that children healing from past trauma feel safe and respected. Your child’s ACE is extremely personal and should only be shared with those whose actions have a direct impact on your child’s well-being. 

Examples of who should know:  

— Teachers and school counselors 

— Therapists and health care providers 

— Close family members who are consistently involved in your child’s life 

— Long-term babysitters 

Examples of who might need limited information:  

— Coaches or other extracurricular activity leaders 

— Short-term babysitters 

— Neighbors 

— Extended or distant family members 

As you prepare to share this information, it’s important to consider these three guidelines:  

Choose the right time and place. Schedule a meeting—like a parent-teacher conference or a private conversation in your home. Steer clear of discussing your child’s ACE in public spaces or when your child might overhear to protect their privacy and avoid triggers. 

Don’t rush. To ensure you have plenty of time to fully explain your child’s needs and answer any questions, plan for 30-60 minutes. 

Determine the right level of specificity. For example, a teacher may need specific information about triggers and classroom accommodations, while an athletic coach may need only a vague explanation that your child has experienced “challenging family circumstances” and may need extra patience.  

These three strategies guard your child’s privacy while ensuring those around them are prepared to efficiently support them and help—not hinder—their healing journey. 

2. Protect your child’s privacy.  

Privacy is not about isolation—it’s about reinstating your child’s sense of safety and control.  

During an ACE, children often feel helpless and powerless. Respecting their privacy is essential in helping restore their sense of agency, autonomy and dignity. 

Privacy affects children with childhood trauma by:  

Building a sense physical and emotional safety: Children feel empowered when they know they have control over a specific environment (like their bedroom) and their personal information (like their ACE).   

Preventing re-traumatization: Oversharing or inappropriate sharing can feel like another violation to children, further compounding their trauma.  

Developing trust: When adults respect a child’s privacy, it builds trust between the child and adult. Research shows that developing a trusted relationship with a caring adult constitutes as a positive childhood experience, which can mitigate—or even reverse—the effects of an ACE and build resiliency in children. 

Privacy guidelines when sharing your child’s ACE: 

Focus on impact, rather than details. For example, instead of sharing, “My child experienced abuse and now wets the bed,” try “My child has experienced trauma that sometimes causes regressive behaviors. They may need extra patience and understanding.” This avoids sharing specifics your child might find embarrassing or shameful but also communicates the level of support they need. If applicable, you could even suggest strategies the trusted adult can use to help your child develop healthy coping mechanisms or self-soothe, like art or play therapy. 

When age-appropriate, ask for your child’s input. All of these strategies approach communicating your child’s ACE through a child-first lens—prioritizing their well-being and needs—which include listening to their input as well as respecting their agency and decisions. Pre-teens and adolescents likely have a desire to participate in what information about their trauma is shared with whom. Asking for their thoughts continues to deepen trust and rebuild their sense of agency—both of which are crucial in their healing journey. 

3. Focus on your child’s needs.  

When sharing your child’s ACE with others, prioritize what this adult needs to know to best support your child. 

Before the conversation, consider asking yourself:  

— What might be a trigger for my child in this setting?  

— What does my child need from this particular person? 

— What would help my child succeed here?  

For example, when telling your child’s teacher about their ACE, you may say: “My child is sensitive to flashing lights, which resemble those of an emergency responder’s vehicle. She may need to step out of the classroom if an activity includes strobing lights. If there are any learning programs on the computer that may have this trigger, she will also likely need modified settings.” 

4. Emphasize healing and resilience.  

When sharing your child’s ACE, stress that trauma doesn’t define your child.  

It’s important that others understand your child’s challenges and unique needs, but it’s equally fundamental to highlight their strengths, progress and capacity for healing—ensuring others don’t dwell on your child’s experience, but help promote growth toward a brighter future. 

Highlight Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs): Data continues to prove that PCEs dramatically decrease the devastating effects of ACEs and, in some cases, even reverse them. Remind teachers, family members or other trusted adults that their supportive relationship with your child contributes to their healing. School involvement and belonging, trusted relationships with adults and opportunities to grow are all considered PCEs.  

Meaning: Although your child may need more support, these trusted relationships are helping them heal and build resiliency! 

5. Don’t forget to practice self-care. 

Repeatedly discussing your child’s trauma can be emotionally exhausting.  

These conversations can trigger your own emotions, memories or fears, so it’s critical you also have your support system and self-care guidelines in place to process your own feelings.  

Remember: You can’t pour from an empty cup. And taking care of your own needs isn’t selfish—it’s essential to prevent burnout and ensure you’re the present parent your child needs. 

Need help on creating a self-care routine? Read our comprehensive guide on self-care for caregivers. 

Your child’s healing journey 

By thoughtfully sharing your child’s ACE while protecting their dignity, you’re not just fulfilling their current needs—you’re building the foundation for their continued healing and future success.  

Your advocacy matters. Every teacher who accommodates trauma responses, every coach who offers a moment of extended patience, every family member who rebuilds your child’s ability to trust another adult—they all become part of your child’s support system. 

With these informed, caring adults surrounding them and your continued love and support, your child can heal, thrive and create a brighter future.  

How you can support more children like yours 

At SOS Children’s Villages, we believe every child deserves to grow up safe, loved and healthy.  

When you support SOS Children’s Villages, you deliver the trauma-informed care, loving, trusted relationships and support a child needs to heal and grow—now and for years to come.